A Life of Passion

She brightened his nights, completed his days,
He found her among the brightly lit lanes.
An unusual darkness surrounded her,
Fueled by the immense, dancing flames within.

She survived the fierce battle with death
Had won the helpless fight for existence.
But smiles never graced her perfect features
And the pride of a triumph never showed.

Her untold story kept mystifying,
Her heavy silence kept him wondering.
No questions were asked, no answers expected,
He feared strengthening her shell further

A bright, starry night broke her defenses.
She had chosen a path of no return.
"The girl will die," they had said and she panicked,
She feared dying without feeling passion.


Picture taken from http://www.flickr.com/photos/29553060@N05/4376540043/ (no copyright infringement intended)

Dewdrops

Her eyes closed the door to her soul-
A door that opened only for him.
Her beautiful blue eyes were lined with kohl,
But he could only see them filled to the brim

He never understood the longing of hers,
The want of having him close,
The nights of love in cold Decembers,
The passionate patch-ups after loud rows.

He thought he understood what she said
Even as she silently gazed at evening birds.
Their silent conversations misled;
The feelings needed words

They vowed to wipe off the fantasized memories
And said an unspoken goodbye.
He never believed in fairies;
But future, for her, was to merely on fate rely.

The vow was broken, thoughts kept flooding
As they gazed at shiny dewdrops.
Miles apart they were living
Joint only by her swiftly fading hopes.

As she awoke one morning,
Fate answered her teary calls;
Emotions in her dying self went soaring.
Years without him were just full of falls.

He never thought he would see her again
Much less while dressed in his white coat.
The strength in his feet seemed to drain
He could now see his life gloat.

The time they had wasted was not to come
But he would keep holding her hand now
Through the rest of life, their song he promised to hum
As before death she took her last bow…

Grey Past

Forgetting is the greatest boon granted to man. But like a lot of things in life, we don’t realize the importance of something we have. But she did realize the importance; and this realization lasted every moment of her waking hours. Her past haunted her, quite literally so.

She didn’t remember when it all started; but whoever she could remember entering her life in any way was there, right before her eyes. They appeared from thin air at their own will and then disappeared into nothingness. A horde of grey silhouettes followed and surrounded her everywhere. Her first boyfriend, the man who left her on their wedding day, her illegitimate daughter, her dead best friend, the little girl whose father she had wrongly fired from his job, they were all there. They stared at her through the fog that they were engulfed in, said things to her, mouthed foul words. They also sometimes gently advised her; advices that she never took. She never let too many people come close to her, she never let too many people enter her life because once they entered, they never left.

As a child, she often told her mother about the strange scary people surrounding her, waking her up in the middle of the night. She never understood why her mother couldn’t see them; they were all right in front of her! It hurt her tremendously that her own mother didn’t believe her, she was sweetly told to stop asking for so much attention. When she still wouldn’t give up on insisting that she didn’t lie, she was beaten into silence. She then stopped mentioning it to anyone and lived her entire life in the presence of those silhouettes. They watched her smile, tears, laughter, anguish, disappointment. She never had any emotion for herself, never a moment alone.

Foul language, curses and abuses didn’t really affect her. She had heard a lot of them to reach where she was right now and she didn’t regret that. But having abuses hurled at you during every waking moment is not quite an amusing feeling. She was now a tired woman and so she decided to talk things out with her constant companions. Her past came back to life, not that it had ever completely left her anyway. She realized how many mistakes she had made in life, how many things she had lost just because she didn’t talk things out. She didn’t regret anything; she wouldn’t change anything in her life even if she had the chance now. But speaking things out with her past helped her greatly. She saw her life from numerous eyes.

She lay on the hospital bed all day leaving only to use the bathroom. Bland, tasteless, love deprived food was brought to her thrice a day. No one came to visit her but she didn’t even need anyone else now. She was at peace with her past.

Someone knocked at the door and a pretty young nurse entered with her lunch. “Good morning Mrs. Johnson”, she said nervously. “I am Samantha. I have joined just today. I’ll be your new caretaker now. Hope you’ll be comfortable with me”, she recited the previously rehearsed line and left the room. Mrs. Johnson smiled as Samantha joined her at her bedside, now engulfed in grey mist.

A Beautiful Day...

The music blared in her ears. She carelessly cleared the wooden floor of the many empty alcohol bottles. The smoke that clogged the windowless room made her feel that she was finally among the clouds.

The anesthetics, the alcohol, the music, her life; something had deadened her so much that she couldn’t hear someone pounding on the door. Her thoughts traveled back to the clinic where she had gone to abort her first child and her first sibling. There she had the last glimpse of her mother. Her mother had offered to take her away forever but she had refused. She couldn’t recollect why. Maybe she expected her mother to insist, to take her in spite of her refusal; she didn’t remember.

She was brought back to the present by a sharp sensation of pain. The weak latch of the door had given way and her enraged father stood in front of her, fist raised to deal another blow. She instinctively cowered barely listening as she was blamed for her mother’s death, her father’s loss in business and now, her stepmother’s departure. Everything was a blur after that.

She woke up the next day sprawled on the floor with a swollen lip and bruises all over her body. She had to find a way of concealing her swollen lip; the excuse of allergies and insect bites was used too often. As she got ready, she noticed that her father had already left. She smiled to herself – it looked like a good day. She then got a text from her boyfriend. As she texted back, she remembered a particularly violent kiss and found an excuse for the swollen lip. She smiled again for the second time since morning; there was something exceptional about the day.

She had completely forgotten that the mid-term results were to be announced that day. She had topped the exam which didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. The teacher told her to collect a scholarship form from his office. When she went there, she was a little taken aback when he told her to shut the door behind her. A bird perched on the window caught her attention and she could faintly hear the teacher saying something about her being an adult, some scholarship, some recommendation. She then felt an arm on her legs. She turned to feel a wheezy breath on her face.

Her hand flew to a pair of scissors on the table and she brought it down on the hand touching her. She stabbed the man repeatedly; on his chest, face, arms, back. With every stab she avenged every wound ever inflicted on her. She then stood straight looking at the mangled body lying in a pool of blood. She smiled again, for the third time since morning; today was a truly beautiful day…

Flitting Through the Skies…

It was a quiet evening; the enormous French windows enabled William to get a better view. His eyes first scanned the skies as they always did. The seamless sky was completely clear apart from the few stranded wisps of milky clouds. Butterflies fluttered in and out of his perfectly maintained garden. In the distance was a dense forest, serene and apparently concealing a million secrets. Snow clad mountains capped with fog stretched over the horizon. He shooed a tiny brown bird sitting on his window to see it open its wings and soar through the space.

He closed his eyes and saw a brilliant flash of red light. He could suddenly feel immense heat all around him; he longed for the snow-clad mountains. Something stung at his legs but he couldn’t get rid of it.

Elisa entered the room just then. She fretted over him not noticing the beads of perspiration on his forehead. She had initially agreed to come to this remote place just so that she could make some fast and easy money to go to college; and anyway how difficult could it be to look after a crippled 28 year old! But there was something about this boy that drew her to him.

He was a tall, fair, dark haired, strongly built boy. He never spoke much unless it was absolutely essential; however, he wrote – page after page, book after book. But she noticed that he had been unusually silent since last night. Elisa didn’t find anything wrong in what had happened; it all felt just perfect, like it was just destiny waiting to take its course. But clearly, William thought otherwise. She didn’t want to be the first one to bring up the topic so she waited for him to speak. He did, eventually.

Now, William wasn’t the one to beat around the bush or indulge in niceties, so he got straight to the point. “Elisa, what happened last night is not going to get you anywhere. I am saying this to you because I can anyway not get anywhere from here in this wheelchair. I have lived my life and I shall die here. But this life will just stagnate you and it is not something that I would be proud of. I am very thankful that you looked after me for so long. With all your dues, you have my lifelong gratitude too. I think it is now time that you leave this house and create your own place in the world out there.” Before she could reply, he wheeled himself out.

After a few hours, William returned to an empty house. He went straight to his room where he picked up a pen and closed his eyes. This time, however, he didn’t see the war, the fire, the crash; he now just flitted through the calm clouds with Elisa by his side. He opened his eyes and smiled slightly as he put his pen on a paper and began writing…

Immortal

She struggled to untie the ropes cutting into her wrists. Her legs were bleeding by now. She looked around trying to squint through the darkness but it looked as if she was locked up in a void. There was an eerie silence all around her. She was suddenly blinded for a moment as a spotlight flashed on her. She instinctively smiled for a moment. Just then, the ground beneath her gave way and she shrieked as she fell deep into the darkness but no one heard her; she didn’t hear herself. There was just a creepy silence.

She woke up with a start, drenched in sweat. Looking around her empty house, a quick tear escaped her eyes and, not wanting o leave her alone again, clung on to her curled lashes. Scared that it might smudge her mascara, she rushed to the mirror grabbing a tissue on way. She quickly dabbed her eyes dry and gazed at the wrinkled face staring back at her. Through all the makeup, you could still make out the beauty that she must have been. Colours, glitz, glamour, camera flashes, she had it all. People of the opposite sex, irrespective of their age, swooned over her. One look at her was all they ever wanted. When she smiled, she left people wondering if anything in the world was more enchanting than her. Her eyes looked like they held a million secrets; and millions would give their lives to know even one of them. Her long lashes fluttered lightly in the breeze.

She never had anyone in her life; she didn’t need anyone, she had the entire world at her beck and call. Her life revolved around her fans and admirers, and theirs around her. Many came to her professing undying love, but it was something she believed she deserved as a right from everyone. All her joy was centered on the applause and appreciation that she received after every movie. Her relationships failed but the fact didn’t bother her because she knew she would never be alone. She knew it all…

She slowly lost everyone and everything as her beauty faded. Her weak smile made people look at her sympathetically with reminiscence of how she enchanted everyone when she was a diva. Her eyes had wrinkles around them that brought loneliness along. She did not need surgeries, she did not need enhancements; she was an eternal beauty as everyone proclaimed and she prided herself for that. But tonight, realization dawned on her as she finally comprehended the truth – it was all over. She had lived her life for people, for crowds; now the empty house troubled her. She had to do it tonight.

She lay, undressed in fragrant water filled with rose petals in her spacious bathtub. Aroma candles flickered as they cast a dim light over her lifeless face complete with makeup. She could suddenly see a burst of light as the spotlight focused on her again. She waited for the rainbow that would take her back again to the life of applause. She didn’t kill herself; she just moved to another world where she could entertain and be loved again.

Till Death Do Us Part...

They had been in love with each other since the time they didn’t even know what being in love means. Theirs was a relationship everyone envied. This was the very fact that made him struggle to keep holding her hand even when it stopped meaning anything to either of them.

She was attractive, elegant, reticent, intelligent and easily dominated. He was smart, well-mannered and a downright charmer. He loved being envied and she believed that the love was for her. Whatever be the reasons, their bond had survived for the better part of 14 years. He charmed her into submission and she drifted along. But he always credited himself with being an ideal partner. He was considerate, undemanding, unquestioning and responsive to all her needs and wants. Just one thing pricked him now. He needed to talk about it; not because she deserved to know the truth but because he needed to get it off his conscience.

He was jolted back to reality when he realized that the waiter was offering him another drink. He gratefully accepted. He never drank too much, but the reason he avoided drinking was the very reason he gulped down another drink tonight – alcohol helped him blur out the truth.

They went back to their palatial apartment after the party. Now was the time. He went and hugged her. She just looked at him, surprised. There had been no show of affection in this house for almost two years now. “I am sorry,” he burst out weeping. A faint glint crossed her eyes. He was taken aback for a moment but then thought he had just imagined it. He had to continue before he lost the nerve.

“I have always been unfair to you. I promised to love you all my life but midway down the line, the warmth was lost. I could see you taking tremendous efforts to reach out to me but I didn’t respond. I apologize for all of it…”

His wife stroked a finger against her wedding ring. “I have always loved you, honey. What’s got into you suddenly? You even drank too much tonight. I guess you should just go to bed. We can talk about this tomorrow.”

“No Susan, I need to finish what I want to say. I might not be able to bring myself to talk about this ever again. I always tried being a good husband, not realizing that it wasn’t enough. Then three years back, I met Alana. I was just too stressed by everything in life at that point of time. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel guilty about what I was doing. I tried quite a few times to end everything and come back home to you but something kept pulling me back to her.”

Susan looked on unblinkingly. He expected her to cry, be angry, break down, but she just looked at him. Her face refused to give away any emotion. After what seemed like an eternity, she took a deep breath. “Three years? Why? You kept me in darkness for three years! You left me struggling alone to keep our marriage going for three years! Why tonight…?”

“She met with an accident last week. The doctors tried their best to save her but she passed away two days back. I couldn’t even go to see her one last time. What would I go as? What relationship did I have with her? She upheld her repute while she lived, and I didn’t want to abuse it after her death. But I couldn’t live with the guilt. I had to confess to you…”

Susan smiled warmly. “I wish you would have told me sometime back darling. Alana might have lived. You might have lived! The police will arrive here any minute. They have received an anonymous package of photographs of you and Alana together. It will be better for you if you run off right now. I will tell the police that I know nothing of your whereabouts. That’s the least I can do. For old times sake…”

The Lingering Whimper

It had been years since she saw the inside of a local train. She couldn’t even remember the last time. She was never permitted to be a part of the crowd. Hers was an extremely influential family and she was supposed to abide by the set ‘standards’. She, however, always found a comfort in crowds. They were her only source to lose herself. Now, she was a daily commuter.

She wondered why some women sneaked quick glances at her. It didn’t occur to her that a woman in her early 50s laden with jewellery and wearing the most expensive silk, sitting between two plump women smelling of fish might be an amusing sight.

Two weeks back she had gotten onto the same train – 5.17 from Churchgate. She could even recognize some familiar faces in the train now but these were not the faces she wanted to see. Then she saw the same pretty girl, today looking more beautiful than ever in a sky blue dress. She could feel a dead weight falling into the pit of her stomach…the same feeling that she had everyday.

As the girl took a seat, she began staring at her again with a faint hint of tears in her eyes. She then spotted a glitter on her ring finger. The girl saw her staring at her hand. “I got engaged yesterday”, she told the strange old woman. There was something unusual about this woman but for the girl, who had grown up without a mother or family, anyone showing any concern or interest in her was welcome. That night again the old woman could not sleep. Thoughts of the girl were giving her restless dreams. It had been so long. She was getting married. This was a right time to meet her. A right time to start forming a relationship…

The next day, the woman was majorly let down when the girl didn’t board the train. The disappointment slowly turned into fright as days passed by. She would wake up drenched in sweat calling out for her. She would smile at random people because she mistook them for her. She would suddenly turn around hoping to see her sitting behind. As the train started moving, she begged it to stop…she had left someone behind.

2 weeks later, she was utterly unrecognizable. Her jewellery was not around her and she didn’t care where it was. Though she was still draped with silk, it carried a stench as she had been wearing it since almost a week. Her previously neatly oiled and tied hair was now completely disheveled. Then she saw her again…the same pretty girl, in a pink floral dress, waving out to her. She couldn’t stop herself anymore. She ran towards the girl to finally hold her close. She couldn’t hear the women screaming behind her, she couldn’t feel he pain as she heard the tyres of the train screeching to a halt, she didn’t care anymore. She had found her girl…

She had always loved life. She would never kill herself. But this time, she couldn’t ignore the cries of her daughter calling out to her…

The Eternal Wait...

She could feel herself falling into the depths beyond any help. She screamt out for someone but couldn’t hear herself. The hand that she waited for was not going to come. But she still waited…

She suddenly woke up drenched in sweat. She wanted to cry but was too tired of not being consoled. She was too tired of wiping her own eyes and getting a glass water for herself when the tears choked her. She longed for the refuge of her mother’s lap but she had lost it the very day she moved out of her house to lead her life on her terms. She had her terms now but still hadn’t found life. She waited…

She reached out for her phone again. There were so many numbers that she wanted to dial, so many things that she wanted to say but her fingers just wouldn’t help. Her first decision had always been her last and that’s how she had been at all times. She used pens since the age of 6. Pencils were never meant for her.

4am…she tried to snuggle into her blanket but it was damp with sweat and tears. So she pulled it off and curled up to be welcomed back by more restless dreams.

She woke up feeling as messed up as ever but she couldn’t look as she felt. She couldn’t let the scars of her past and the shambles of her present be seen. Looking at herself in the mirror, she tried to remember what she used to look like some years back.

Her thoughts traveled five years back in time like they often did these days. She had vivid memories of laughing, worrying over silly things, being careless, and being cared for. She had not been satisfied with life. She had felt curtailed. But she was happy; happier than she could be in the whole of these five years. Yes, it had been exactly five years since she had walked out of her house. She could see harsh images of people leaving one after the other. Her loses followed some kind of a strange pattern where the strongest links started disappearing. She felt so bounded when she was living with her family and then she broke that link herself. What followed was like a domino effect. Everything started toppling down. As she looked around for a decent alternative accommodation, she started losing touch with all her friends and later her ego didn’t allow her to call them. At her workplace, there were no friends anyway. There were just colleagues with whom she could go for some weekend dinners. The dinners sometimes turned into dinner dates and ended at that. She just couldn’t connect with anyone and somehow didn’t bother enough to take the efforts. She just waited…

She had made a life for herself and had no regrets about that. She just regretted the wrong decisions that she sometimes took and was sometimes forced to take. Blaming herself wouldn’t work though, because her choices were merely the best options available at that point of time. After losing so much, it was only natural that she seeked out for someone who wouldn’t leave. And that is how their story began…

There was nothing extraordinary about the circumstances in which they met, there was nothing extraordinary about the kind of people they were. What was extraordinary was just the way they felt about each other. How they got so close no one realized, not even both of them. All she knew was that she had never really cared for anyone they way she cared for him. More than loving him, she seemed to love that feeling. He was someone who understood that she needed him around even when she asked to be left alone. They got so close that the very proximity started scaring her. So she decided to take a vacation away, alone, cut off from everyone. When she was gone, he couldn’t stop wondering what went wrong. But he waited for her…

She came back and things got back to normal. He never asked her any questions; she never understood that he waited for answers. His wordless understanding made her repent every minute she spent trying to create that distance. She tried making up for the lost time never realizing that somewhere in the process, she had started losing herself. Her worst fears came true and she started turning into the kind of girl that she despised – someone whose happiness depended on others, someone whose life was decided by others. He started asking her the unwarranted questions that had made her move out of her house and she started giving answers even when questions were not asked. She clung on to him. No, she couldn’t let go this time. No, she couldn’t be alone again. But it happened. It had been a year since they had drifted apart. And she had waited…

He was now back. He was back to correct all mistakes, to set things right again, to bring back the perfect life that she had lived with him for a while. But she didn’t know if she wanted those days back. The nights when she cried herself to sleep couldn’t be set right by the memories of the days of bliss with him.

Still battling with herself, she left from her apartment. As he saw her walking towards him, he couldn’t help but remember the last time he saw her – just so perfect, just so incomplete. She glanced at him and momentarily closed her eyes. She couldn’t let that happen to her again. His heart sank because he knew what that momentary hesitation meant. She couldn’t bring herself to say it but like ever, he understood. He started walking away slowly waiting for her to call him back while she watched him with a smile far more distressing than all tears…

Lost Today...

Walking along the beach, holding a hand,
Watching the waves, gripping on sand,
The hand is sometimes lost, the sand flows away,
The waves flow back, when you still have so much to say...

We try to have something that we believe we want
More than happiness, it is for the want of something to flaunt.
We don't understand ourselves, so need someone else to understand us,
As experiences build up, expectations have a mass exodus...

We struggle for the perfect life, but don't know what it means
We imagine, and wait for a playback of those scenes.
The beauty of the everyday moments, we seldom recognize
We look for a better future, while the present slowly dies...

She desired to live...

The infuriated waves crashed before reaching the coast
Heavy clods shadowed the tranquil morning sky
Trees shed off their leaves in spring
Every course, every trail went astray...
But she desired to live...

The sea turned into a whirlpool
A day gloomier than the darkest night reigned
Naked silhouettes of trees struggled to cover themselves with the wind
A lifetime of nightmares materialized...
But she desired to live...

She was given the oars in the turbulent sea
Locked up engulfed by darkness
Told to rake every leaf off the earth
But the pieces of the puzzle refused to come together...
She, yet, desired to live...

She clung on to every bit of the upturned boat
Attempted to hold every bit of dust that brought light
She held on to every mirage in the desert
But destiny demanded that she close her eyes...
She yet wished she could live...just once she could live...

The Last Monday...

The loud whistle of the train made him look up. As the train noisily screeched to a halt at the station, hordes of people materialized on the platform as if out of thin air. People half running, people crossing tracks, people talking on the phone, people staring at their watches, people trying to move ahead of others, people blocking others behind them, people...! But all he could see were shoes...

He had been sitting at this very place polishing shoes everyday since the last 7 years. He recognized every commuter on this station by the footwear they owned. But he knew more about them than they could ever guess. He knew about their greatest pleasures, their most terrible pains, their most pleasant dreams, and their most horrid nightmares. He knew their lives as they lived them - unadulterated and pure.

As he observed all the unpolished shoes walking past, a familiar pair stepped in front of him. An unexpected and inexpiable relief surged over him. He hadn't seen her since a long time now. But the relief was short-lived because as he looked up he saw that her face was covered with bruises that, though fading away, were still slightly visible. She was with a friend today. Her foot on the wooden stand in front of him told him that it was a Monday.

He still vividly remembered the last time she had come...two Mondays back. She was talking on the phone. "I had told you about it last week. I guess you were busy and must have missed it", she said. "...no, I am not saying you are at fault." Her eyes were full and threatening to let go. "It is not a party, just a dinner...No, not just him. Everyone is going." The first drop began to flow and she quickly wiped it off before it reached the end of her long lashes. "Ya, I am sorry. I'll be back home on time...I love you, too."

He was brought back to the present by her friend talking to her. "What happened to your face?" "Allergies", she quietly replied. "Oh my god! Try not getting these allergies on our vacation. I hope you haven't forgotten about it!" She looked unblinkingly at her shoes as she replied, almost with a whisper, "I won't make it. I am getting married and moving with him to Delhi. He says he has better prospects there." Her friend looked at her momentarily, "And what about you? Are you sure of what you are doing?" "Yes of course I am sure," she replied hurriedly. "After-all he loves me so much..."

That was the last Monday he saw her...