“I’ll Call You”

He left her with a light peck on the forehead. “I’ll call you”, he promised. She smiled and nodded at him, understanding perfectly well that he wouldn’t; they both knew it the previous night when he went home with her. Stories of his lifestyle generally preceded him. As he walked away from her apartment, he could feel her looking at his back from where she sat at the window, and he kept walking.

Since he had quit his job 3 years back, every day was a new beginning for him. He had worked like a dog for over 6 years after his marriage to secure the future of his family which he intended to begin after he was sure he could provide nothing less than the best for them. He intended to be able to give them all his time and attention. He intended, without giving any thought to what she would want.

“I’m back”, he said to his wife as he shut the door behind him. “I was with Suzanne last night. I told you about her, right? Nice girl; sounded very lonely. She spent a long time talking about how distant her husband felt. I was thinking about you through the whole time. Is that how I made you feel? You know I didn’t mean it, right? That’s exactly what I told her.” He opened the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. “Don’t make that face”, he said. “I am not drinking with lunch. I’m drinking before lunch.” He winked lightly at her and opened his beer.

“I told her to try communicating with her husband. Tell him about how she felt. Maybe the idiot is just as clueless as I was with you. I know she won’t talk about it, but hell, I told her at least.”

In the evening, he sat alone at a party glancing around. At the bar, he noticed a woman looking his way. As he walked purposefully towards her, he overheard a conversation at the next table. “This is exactly what I was telling you. No wonder his wife had to do that. Which woman would be able to take her husband behaving like this?” He turned and smiled at them, slightly nodded his head and proceeded to join the woman at the bar.

Next morning, as he returned home, all he could think of was the conversation from the previous night. He wasn’t angry, just amused. He couldn’t wait to talk to his wife about it. “You know I would never cheat on you, right? I love you way too much for that. Just wish I could have shown it in a better way.” He glanced her way and smiled, knowing that she could now see what he felt about her.

He would never forget that morning 3 years back even for a second of his life. He knew his wife was suffering from depression, he knew he should have been there with her as he had promised he would be. He honestly intended to. The vacation he had planned for them was just 2 weeks away. But he returned home in the morning after working all night only to find her sleeping and, hopefully, at peace.

She left this world a lonely woman, waiting to be loved and valued. The love that he failed to show couldn’t hold her back in this world. After she was gone, he realised that there were a lot of women like her, who had found affection but the appreciation was lost. He tried to make every girl he met feel a little more loved, admired and desired. This was for her.

"I’ll call you” were his last words to her. He hadn’t.

Picture taken from https://shardsofsilence.wordpress.com/2014/01/22/aping-love/sunset-couple-silhouette/

Dewdrops

Her eyes closed the door to her soul-
A door that opened only for him.
Her beautiful blue eyes were lined with kohl,
But he could only see them filled to the brim

He never understood the longing of hers,
The want of having him close,
The nights of love in cold Decembers,
The passionate patch-ups after loud rows.

He thought he understood what she said
Even as she silently gazed at evening birds.
Their silent conversations misled;
The feelings needed words

They vowed to wipe off the fantasized memories
And said an unspoken goodbye.
He never believed in fairies;
But future, for her, was to merely on fate rely.

The vow was broken, thoughts kept flooding
As they gazed at shiny dewdrops.
Miles apart they were living
Joint only by her swiftly fading hopes.

As she awoke one morning,
Fate answered her teary calls;
Emotions in her dying self went soaring.
Years without him were just full of falls.

He never thought he would see her again
Much less while dressed in his white coat.
The strength in his feet seemed to drain
He could now see his life gloat.

The time they had wasted was not to come
But he would keep holding her hand now
Through the rest of life, their song he promised to hum
As before death she took her last bow…

Till Death Do Us Part...

They had been in love with each other since the time they didn’t even know what being in love means. Theirs was a relationship everyone envied. This was the very fact that made him struggle to keep holding her hand even when it stopped meaning anything to either of them.

She was attractive, elegant, reticent, intelligent and easily dominated. He was smart, well-mannered and a downright charmer. He loved being envied and she believed that the love was for her. Whatever be the reasons, their bond had survived for the better part of 14 years. He charmed her into submission and she drifted along. But he always credited himself with being an ideal partner. He was considerate, undemanding, unquestioning and responsive to all her needs and wants. Just one thing pricked him now. He needed to talk about it; not because she deserved to know the truth but because he needed to get it off his conscience.

He was jolted back to reality when he realized that the waiter was offering him another drink. He gratefully accepted. He never drank too much, but the reason he avoided drinking was the very reason he gulped down another drink tonight – alcohol helped him blur out the truth.

They went back to their palatial apartment after the party. Now was the time. He went and hugged her. She just looked at him, surprised. There had been no show of affection in this house for almost two years now. “I am sorry,” he burst out weeping. A faint glint crossed her eyes. He was taken aback for a moment but then thought he had just imagined it. He had to continue before he lost the nerve.

“I have always been unfair to you. I promised to love you all my life but midway down the line, the warmth was lost. I could see you taking tremendous efforts to reach out to me but I didn’t respond. I apologize for all of it…”

His wife stroked a finger against her wedding ring. “I have always loved you, honey. What’s got into you suddenly? You even drank too much tonight. I guess you should just go to bed. We can talk about this tomorrow.”

“No Susan, I need to finish what I want to say. I might not be able to bring myself to talk about this ever again. I always tried being a good husband, not realizing that it wasn’t enough. Then three years back, I met Alana. I was just too stressed by everything in life at that point of time. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel guilty about what I was doing. I tried quite a few times to end everything and come back home to you but something kept pulling me back to her.”

Susan looked on unblinkingly. He expected her to cry, be angry, break down, but she just looked at him. Her face refused to give away any emotion. After what seemed like an eternity, she took a deep breath. “Three years? Why? You kept me in darkness for three years! You left me struggling alone to keep our marriage going for three years! Why tonight…?”

“She met with an accident last week. The doctors tried their best to save her but she passed away two days back. I couldn’t even go to see her one last time. What would I go as? What relationship did I have with her? She upheld her repute while she lived, and I didn’t want to abuse it after her death. But I couldn’t live with the guilt. I had to confess to you…”

Susan smiled warmly. “I wish you would have told me sometime back darling. Alana might have lived. You might have lived! The police will arrive here any minute. They have received an anonymous package of photographs of you and Alana together. It will be better for you if you run off right now. I will tell the police that I know nothing of your whereabouts. That’s the least I can do. For old times sake…”

The Eternal Wait...

She could feel herself falling into the depths beyond any help. She screamt out for someone but couldn’t hear herself. The hand that she waited for was not going to come. But she still waited…

She suddenly woke up drenched in sweat. She wanted to cry but was too tired of not being consoled. She was too tired of wiping her own eyes and getting a glass water for herself when the tears choked her. She longed for the refuge of her mother’s lap but she had lost it the very day she moved out of her house to lead her life on her terms. She had her terms now but still hadn’t found life. She waited…

She reached out for her phone again. There were so many numbers that she wanted to dial, so many things that she wanted to say but her fingers just wouldn’t help. Her first decision had always been her last and that’s how she had been at all times. She used pens since the age of 6. Pencils were never meant for her.

4am…she tried to snuggle into her blanket but it was damp with sweat and tears. So she pulled it off and curled up to be welcomed back by more restless dreams.

She woke up feeling as messed up as ever but she couldn’t look as she felt. She couldn’t let the scars of her past and the shambles of her present be seen. Looking at herself in the mirror, she tried to remember what she used to look like some years back.

Her thoughts traveled five years back in time like they often did these days. She had vivid memories of laughing, worrying over silly things, being careless, and being cared for. She had not been satisfied with life. She had felt curtailed. But she was happy; happier than she could be in the whole of these five years. Yes, it had been exactly five years since she had walked out of her house. She could see harsh images of people leaving one after the other. Her loses followed some kind of a strange pattern where the strongest links started disappearing. She felt so bounded when she was living with her family and then she broke that link herself. What followed was like a domino effect. Everything started toppling down. As she looked around for a decent alternative accommodation, she started losing touch with all her friends and later her ego didn’t allow her to call them. At her workplace, there were no friends anyway. There were just colleagues with whom she could go for some weekend dinners. The dinners sometimes turned into dinner dates and ended at that. She just couldn’t connect with anyone and somehow didn’t bother enough to take the efforts. She just waited…

She had made a life for herself and had no regrets about that. She just regretted the wrong decisions that she sometimes took and was sometimes forced to take. Blaming herself wouldn’t work though, because her choices were merely the best options available at that point of time. After losing so much, it was only natural that she seeked out for someone who wouldn’t leave. And that is how their story began…

There was nothing extraordinary about the circumstances in which they met, there was nothing extraordinary about the kind of people they were. What was extraordinary was just the way they felt about each other. How they got so close no one realized, not even both of them. All she knew was that she had never really cared for anyone they way she cared for him. More than loving him, she seemed to love that feeling. He was someone who understood that she needed him around even when she asked to be left alone. They got so close that the very proximity started scaring her. So she decided to take a vacation away, alone, cut off from everyone. When she was gone, he couldn’t stop wondering what went wrong. But he waited for her…

She came back and things got back to normal. He never asked her any questions; she never understood that he waited for answers. His wordless understanding made her repent every minute she spent trying to create that distance. She tried making up for the lost time never realizing that somewhere in the process, she had started losing herself. Her worst fears came true and she started turning into the kind of girl that she despised – someone whose happiness depended on others, someone whose life was decided by others. He started asking her the unwarranted questions that had made her move out of her house and she started giving answers even when questions were not asked. She clung on to him. No, she couldn’t let go this time. No, she couldn’t be alone again. But it happened. It had been a year since they had drifted apart. And she had waited…

He was now back. He was back to correct all mistakes, to set things right again, to bring back the perfect life that she had lived with him for a while. But she didn’t know if she wanted those days back. The nights when she cried herself to sleep couldn’t be set right by the memories of the days of bliss with him.

Still battling with herself, she left from her apartment. As he saw her walking towards him, he couldn’t help but remember the last time he saw her – just so perfect, just so incomplete. She glanced at him and momentarily closed her eyes. She couldn’t let that happen to her again. His heart sank because he knew what that momentary hesitation meant. She couldn’t bring herself to say it but like ever, he understood. He started walking away slowly waiting for her to call him back while she watched him with a smile far more distressing than all tears…