She could feel herself falling into the depths beyond any help. She screamt out for someone but couldn’t hear herself. The hand that she waited for was not going to come. But she still waited…
She suddenly woke up drenched in sweat. She wanted to cry but was too tired of not being consoled. She was too tired of wiping her own eyes and getting a glass water for herself when the tears choked her. She longed for the refuge of her mother’s lap but she had lost it the very day she moved out of her house to lead her life on her terms. She had her terms now but still hadn’t found life. She waited…
She reached out for her phone again. There were so many numbers that she wanted to dial, so many things that she wanted to say but her fingers just wouldn’t help. Her first decision had always been her last and that’s how she had been at all times. She used pens since the age of 6. Pencils were never meant for her.
4am…she tried to snuggle into her blanket but it was damp with sweat and tears. So she pulled it off and curled up to be welcomed back by more restless dreams.
She woke up feeling as messed up as ever but she couldn’t look as she felt. She couldn’t let the scars of her past and the shambles of her present be seen. Looking at herself in the mirror, she tried to remember what she used to look like some years back.
Her thoughts traveled five years back in time like they often did these days. She had vivid memories of laughing, worrying over silly things, being careless, and being cared for. She had not been satisfied with life. She had felt curtailed. But she was happy; happier than she could be in the whole of these five years. Yes, it had been exactly five years since she had walked out of her house. She could see harsh images of people leaving one after the other. Her loses followed some kind of a strange pattern where the strongest links started disappearing. She felt so bounded when she was living with her family and then she broke that link herself. What followed was like a domino effect. Everything started toppling down. As she looked around for a decent alternative accommodation, she started losing touch with all her friends and later her ego didn’t allow her to call them. At her workplace, there were no friends anyway. There were just colleagues with whom she could go for some weekend dinners. The dinners sometimes turned into dinner dates and ended at that. She just couldn’t connect with anyone and somehow didn’t bother enough to take the efforts. She just waited…
She had made a life for herself and had no regrets about that. She just regretted the wrong decisions that she sometimes took and was sometimes forced to take. Blaming herself wouldn’t work though, because her choices were merely the best options available at that point of time. After losing so much, it was only natural that she seeked out for someone who wouldn’t leave. And that is how their story began…
There was nothing extraordinary about the circumstances in which they met, there was nothing extraordinary about the kind of people they were. What was extraordinary was just the way they felt about each other. How they got so close no one realized, not even both of them. All she knew was that she had never really cared for anyone they way she cared for him. More than loving him, she seemed to love that feeling. He was someone who understood that she needed him around even when she asked to be left alone. They got so close that the very proximity started scaring her. So she decided to take a vacation away, alone, cut off from everyone. When she was gone, he couldn’t stop wondering what went wrong. But he waited for her…
She came back and things got back to normal. He never asked her any questions; she never understood that he waited for answers. His wordless understanding made her repent every minute she spent trying to create that distance. She tried making up for the lost time never realizing that somewhere in the process, she had started losing herself. Her worst fears came true and she started turning into the kind of girl that she despised – someone whose happiness depended on others, someone whose life was decided by others. He started asking her the unwarranted questions that had made her move out of her house and she started giving answers even when questions were not asked. She clung on to him. No, she couldn’t let go this time. No, she couldn’t be alone again. But it happened. It had been a year since they had drifted apart. And she had waited…
He was now back. He was back to correct all mistakes, to set things right again, to bring back the perfect life that she had lived with him for a while. But she didn’t know if she wanted those days back. The nights when she cried herself to sleep couldn’t be set right by the memories of the days of bliss with him.
Still battling with herself, she left from her apartment. As he saw her walking towards him, he couldn’t help but remember the last time he saw her – just so perfect, just so incomplete. She glanced at him and momentarily closed her eyes. She couldn’t let that happen to her again. His heart sank because he knew what that momentary hesitation meant. She couldn’t bring herself to say it but like ever, he understood. He started walking away slowly waiting for her to call him back while she watched him with a smile far more distressing than all tears…
